In the process of it all, I felt it was worth it. Sleeping on the streets, trains, parks. Now my apartment. Just to be in the atmosphere of NYC & It was. I've learned a lot here. About myself, about life. But I've lost myself in the process.
In the process of trying to make a career as a "photographer", I've lost my inspiration to capture the streets. It used to be fun. Now it feels...forced. I shoot everyday for work & if I'm not shooting, I'm looking for work to shoot. For work I may not even want to do, but I need to. But do I really?
These past couple months have been the most loneliest months I've ever had. I've cut out damn near all physical distractions that don't bring me financial gains. I'm constantly trying to think of ways to make large sums of money quickly & legally, to fund my dream projects. Yet, through this process I've forgotten how to enjoy life. Its a struggle sometimes..just to make convo with people. Something that used to be so effortless for me.
I've lost myself.
Is it for a reason or is it cause I'm just misguided & lost my focus? I do know one thing. When I can truly focus on my art & not worry about making money...I'm at peace & the art flows naturally. I can't say I truly know what makes me happiest anymore. I think the only thing that will truly make me happy, is seeing my family happy. They're my motivation to work..work when I don't wanna work. Yet, simple things like working - I slack on sometimes.
Its been a everyday struggle. But I'm gonna figure this thing out. Life is a mystery with all kinds of obstacles. My daily obstacle is to get Jeff back. To get myself back.
And soon enough, I will.